Chasing the Dream

That's the name of my fantasy football team . . . you know . . . in reference to Chase Daniel (the fabulous Mizzou quarterback!). I thought it was pretty clever. But it's also pretty descriptive of how I'm feeling right now.

There are so many people on this online dating site that I get overwhelmed at times. For instance . . . Guy Number 2 . . . we'll call him John. He's a really nice guy, from a very small town, works for the railroad as a conductor (couldn't really get him to go into much detail there so I keep imagining him behind the engine of a railroad car as it's tearing down the tracks in the middle of the mountains and steam billows out of the stack on top - it could happen!). We emailed two or three times and then he asked for my number and called that night.

He had a pleasant voice but after about 30 minutes we kind of ran out of things to say. He told me that he'd been engaged and that had ended about a year ago. They had only been together for six months before they got engaged, he broke it off six months later and it ended badly. And this is horrible, but I totally judged him for that! If it had been even a couple of years ago, I wouldn't have been so turned off. But I just felt like wow . . . that's heavy and you're ready to date again already. That's just me I guess. I'm not ready to jump into something that reeks of emotional trauma and distress (I've got enough of that for the both of us, thank you.)

So we decided to meet in person (because clearly all those above warning signs and intutitive thoughts were not enough for me to JUST SAY NO!) and I was about to tell him when I was free when he goes "the only time that will work is this Friday night." And somehow my strong self went all, "okay, I'm pretty busy but I guess I can squeeze you in" and in my head a little person was banging her had against a wall because there is just no way that I could work that out on Friday; I was already overcommitted as it was. Why do I do things like that? Why can't I just be assertive and say, that doesn't work for me, what about this time that does work?

I woke up this morning with a clear head and decided to just email him and let him know that Friday really didn't work for me. I don't even think I want to meet him; I guess I figure if I meet enough of these boys someone has to work out but that's not really a good reason to go out with someone whom I didn't even enjoy talking to on the phone.

I'm just going to keep reminding myself that I'm not here to settle; I'm not going to just go out with the guys who want to see me. I have to want to see them to.

Bring on Number 3 . . .