The "Dating Help" Button Resurfaces

So this guy Ken emailed me and started off asking about my religion and beliefs, etc. I was pleasantly surprised by this because most guys don't delve into that topic even if they list their religious staus as "Christian." At the end of the email, he asked if there were certain Christian values I uphold more strongly than others.

This question was pretty tough for me to answer because I wasn’t sure what he was getting at (and I was pretty sure he was getting at something). So my answer was something along the lines of

Christian values . . . excellent question . . . I guess my take on values/beliefs/etc. is that I try to live my life and be the best person possible. Mistakes are going to happen and that's what forgivness is for. I believe in unconditional love, forgiveness, repentance, respect for everyone around you, etc. I don't know if that really answers your questions . . . was there something specific you wanted to know? I feel like I was pretty vague there but sometimes it's hard to put in words!

I then asked him to answer the same question . . . and answer it he did!

One thing that I was wondering is what your view is on premarital sex. I have not always been a Christian and I made some mistakes in my life. I have not dated a Christian since then, mainly because it is a little hard to find someone close to my age and unmarried. But I always worried that this could be a problem whenever I did. What are you thoughts on this? Would this be a problem for you?

Hmm . . . again with the button that I should be able to push to refer someone to dating counseling. This is NOT a topic you bring up in the second email you have exchanged with someone. Yes, the sex issue will come up . . . EVENTUALLY and hopefully not until we have met in person because it could very well be a non-issue after I see you. :) It's completely inappropriate to bring up in conversation at this point in time.

There are so many other things I could write here but since this is a public blog . . . I think maybe I'll keep those thoughts to myself. Suffice it to say that in my opinion one who thinks that all Christians wait until marriage or never drink, etc. clearly is going to a church that is way too conservative for my taste and I want no part of him. Hmm . . . I do know a single pastor who might just be perfect for him though!

When it rains, it pours . . .

I went out with the train guy last night. I actually thought about cancelling right before; I just couldn't take another photographer situation. I felt sick to my stomach and decided I couldn't even put much effort into my appearance in case that he turned out to be disgusting. And to my surprise, he was not only super cute, but also seemingly normal!

Physically, I'm definitely attracted. We'll just have to see if there is enough intellectual/emotional attraction to actually constitute dating him. I think we're going to go out again next week/end sometime so we'll see.

And I ended up talking to another guy tonight who is a teacher at a local high school. I wasn't super interested in him until we started emailing and then after talking on the phone, I'm definitely intrigued (and as an added bonus he's a Mizzou grad). We seemed to really click so we'll have to see if there is any physical chemistry . . .

It's hard because I do a pretty good first date. I'm not going to lie . . . I've had a lot of practice. So many times it's hard for my date to realize that they are just out with someone who is an expert first dater and it's not just that we really do have a great connection. :)

I'm a little nervous about juggling a couple of guys in real life. It's easy online but once you start meeting them and talking on the phone, it becomes real and you don't want to hurt feelings or be dishonest. I've never really dated multiple guys at one time so I'm not even sure how to do this!

Suggestions?

Did you really just write that?

So last night I was looking through some of the guys that this site has matched me with and came across this gem.

What is John most passionate about:
Probably the thing I am most passionate about right now is just going where life takes me. I won't get into all of it here but I've gone through some major life changing experiences the last couple months. I'm single again after several months, I've changed career fields, and I'm clean and sober(More than happy to share if you ask.) I think whoever gets with me just has to understand I have no set plans right now. I'm just taking it one day at a time. So to sum up, what am I most passionate about? Today it's today, tomorrow will be tomorrow, and so on and so forth.

The most influential person in John's life has been:
Well my grandmother but I guess that's kinda like my parents. The most influential people would have to be that wonderful new group I've joined, AA. If you read this and you're scared off by that, that's your choice, but until you ask questions and get to know the person that's your loss. I'm a great guy that has a great future ahead of me.

One thing that only John's best friends know is:
About my parents divorce and everything that entails with it. I could write a book about my father. That's a story for a different time.

Some additional information John wanted you to know is:
The short version is this. I am a newer member to AA, I'm up front and honest about it. I'm not looking for anything serious for quite a while, I'm probably looking for a good friend to start off with. Most of my time is spent working, going to meetings about 6 days a week, and playing volleyball/softball. I've come to respect the simple things the last couple months and basically starting from scratch again. If you have any questions about this I'd be happy to answer.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for people getting clean and sober and even believe that AA is a great resource and place to do so. But I’m fairly certain that AA has a rule not to get involved in a personal relationship for at least a year after you have been clean and sober. I’m also fairly certain that signing up for a dating website is a big NO NO.

I mean seriously, is any girl going to look at that and think, oh yeah, let's talk to him! He definitely seems like someone I would want to meet from a site I paid some major cash to in order to find my Mr. Right. Just reading that profile makes me want to run away screaming from him and it's just a profile. I know that some of you will probably think that this is harsh and I feel that I can make these statements given my background and family; alcoholism is a scary thing and most addicts just aren't capable of kicking it. There are a few incredible people out there who can overcome the addiction and go on to live meaningful, productive lives, but I'm personally not willing to take that chance on a random stranger on a dating site and don't believe that any other girl should either.

GUEST COLUMN: The Worst Date EVER!

An old friend from high school sent me this email after reading my blog and it was so funny that I had to ask if I could publish it. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I did!

Hey! Love the blog, it's fabulous. Thought you might enjoy a little story of my own related to the online dating scene. Justin and I broke up for a few months 2 years ago and tried to date other people. Not knowing exactly where to find said people, I did the online thing as well. Started talking to this guy named James, a philosophy student at UW-Madison (should have known right away--philosophy, really?). Made plans to have lunch one Sunday. I almost cancelled cause I just wasn't feeling it, but then decided to go meet him.

He told me he had glasses and shoulder length hair--sounded interesting, I like both. I waited outside the restaurant, saw a few hot guys walk by, got disappointed they weren't him. Then I saw him walking toward me, had to fight the urge to run or pretend I was not me. Overweight, stringy brown hair, strange glasses (not at all stylish), a big leather UW coat, cable knit sweater, black tapered leg jeans, and high tops. Holy goodness. I actually tried to look cute for the "date."

So I do the right thing and we go in to the restaurant. It's this little cafe where you wait in line to order and then go to your table. It's a super busy place, and I just don't really want anyone to think we are together, so I am trying to just chat casually in the line. He actually starts asking me about the dating site in the line--how embarrassing!

He decides to order the exact same thing as me after asking what I am going to get. I get to the counter and order, trying hard to get my bill taken care of before he has a chance to order so it cannot in any way be interpreted as a date. No, he goes ahead and orders. Then he whips out his debit card and hands it to the lady with a flare that made me think he thought it was super cool to use plastic. The cafe doesn't take cards, but the woman instructs him that there is an ATM there--literally 5 feet from where we are standing. Instead he says to me "well, I guess you'll just have to pay." I was fuming at this point, but went ahead and paid cause to make a scene would be awkward.

So we go sit down. Awkward convo ensues, he tries to talk philosophy (which I am not interested in AT ALL). He's vegetarian but not vegan because he can't get behind the philosophy of it all. Found himself to be very important. He eats about 1/4 of his meal, says it wasn't very good. I, in the meantime have inhaled my food in an effort to the get damn date over with, so I look like a cow. Finally, I say I need to get going. He tries to invite me somewhere else. I beg it off. He asks if he can walk me to my apartment. I drove, thank goodness, cause what was this guy thinking...we just met, you are no way in hell coming to my apartment.

So he gives me a huge hug--ugh--and we go our separate ways. He calls several times, I don't answer. Then he sends me some strange email that I am the most beautiful girl he's ever seen and I am his ideal woman, he hopes we can get together again soon. Were we on the same date???? I am sure I am his ideal, cause I am just as judgmental as you and there was no way this guy could get someone like me in the real world (aka not online). And not because I am so fabulous, but because he was so weird. Then one more email saying he was getting kicked out of his apartment and he hoped we could still hang out. Um, no.

It was intensely bad and will always go down as my worst date ever. I feel for you, dating is terrible. But there are some great guys out there as well, I hung out with a guy named Liam for a bit that, aside from being quirky, was actually pretty cool. Keep trying, you'll at least have some good stories! Looking forward to reading more on the blog! Take care, d

Unanswered Prayers

I just got an email from a guy I was communicating with and was actually really looking forward to getting to know better. He said that he wanted to be honest and that he'd been out on a few dates with someone and they'd really hit it off and that he thought it was at the point where he really shouldn't be communicating with anyone else. And, no lie, it really bummed me out. I felt like I'd been dumped. But really, how can you be dumped if you haven't even met the person yet?

Funny isn't it? I thought that online dating would be more about me getting to choose who I wanted to go out with but it really does a funny parallel to reality in trying to figure out what the guy is thinking, if he's going to respond, when he's going to respond, if he's going to ask you out, etc. And then feeling bummed or elated when he either doesn't or does respond to you!

I think I have this idea in my head of who I want to date/end up with/marry/etc and I don't know if it really coincides with something I might find in reality. It's not like I'm asking for a whole laundry list, just an intelligent, laid back, self-sufficient, self-confident, sports enthusiast (Mizzou fan preferred), an adventurous spirit, Christian guy who has a good job and wants to be a dedicated family man in the body of an Olympic swimmer (say Brandon Hansen for visual aid purposes) with beautiful brown eyes and a dark complexion. Shouldn't he be out there somewhere? :)

I'm just frustrated that I haven't met someone I'm really interested in yet (and all those that I meet and I'm uninterested in just serve cause to add more qualities to the above list which is probably counterproductive to my search!) . . . what ever happened to those good old fashioned high school crushes? Man I miss those! I want to walk down the hall in the opposite direction just so I can bump into that cute guy and have him walk me to Calculus class. It just seemed so much easier back then! And there wasn't nearly as much pressure . . . no one in high school was considering whether you were marriage material or if they wanted your genes mixed with theirs in future generations . . .

And the even more fitting part to this post is that just this morning at church we were discussing how God doesn't always answer your prayers because another path might be better suited for you or sometimes He does just to show you that what you want isn't always what you need. So I guess at this moment I'm going to trust in that. Maybe my plan in my head isn't necessarily the right one for me or maybe I just need to be a little more patient and enjoy all the blessings I currently have around me and fail to notice and appreciate as much as I should.

We're NOT friends!

Guy Number 1 . . . the photographer . . . I thought he was a done deal. In the past, no more time wasted on thinking about him so imagine my surprise when I get a text message from him at about 9:30 last night!

It says "there is an old Brad Smith game on ch. 59." And I did flip over just to see and it was true . . . but still. Did I really talk about liking Brad Smith that much? I can't even remember!

SERIOUSLY, though . .. I would LOVE to know what is going on in this guy's head. I just don't get it. I know that we talked for a few weeks and did develop a certain connection but that connection was snapped right in two the moment that I met him and realized how badly he had misrepresented himself. Why on earth does he think it is okay to still contact me? I haven't given him any feedback since I sent the "Good luck on your future dating endeavors" email. What else would that mean other than I never want to talk to you again? Can you really twist that statement into "let's be friends"?

And I'm no expert, but I think we might be edging on that fine line between annoying and stalker. The more he keeps contacting me, the more tempted I am to just lay it all out there for him and tell him EXACTLY how I feel about his pictures, his misrepresentation and his need to visit Victoria's Secret for a consultation!

Chasing the Dream

That's the name of my fantasy football team . . . you know . . . in reference to Chase Daniel (the fabulous Mizzou quarterback!). I thought it was pretty clever. But it's also pretty descriptive of how I'm feeling right now.

There are so many people on this online dating site that I get overwhelmed at times. For instance . . . Guy Number 2 . . . we'll call him John. He's a really nice guy, from a very small town, works for the railroad as a conductor (couldn't really get him to go into much detail there so I keep imagining him behind the engine of a railroad car as it's tearing down the tracks in the middle of the mountains and steam billows out of the stack on top - it could happen!). We emailed two or three times and then he asked for my number and called that night.

He had a pleasant voice but after about 30 minutes we kind of ran out of things to say. He told me that he'd been engaged and that had ended about a year ago. They had only been together for six months before they got engaged, he broke it off six months later and it ended badly. And this is horrible, but I totally judged him for that! If it had been even a couple of years ago, I wouldn't have been so turned off. But I just felt like wow . . . that's heavy and you're ready to date again already. That's just me I guess. I'm not ready to jump into something that reeks of emotional trauma and distress (I've got enough of that for the both of us, thank you.)

So we decided to meet in person (because clearly all those above warning signs and intutitive thoughts were not enough for me to JUST SAY NO!) and I was about to tell him when I was free when he goes "the only time that will work is this Friday night." And somehow my strong self went all, "okay, I'm pretty busy but I guess I can squeeze you in" and in my head a little person was banging her had against a wall because there is just no way that I could work that out on Friday; I was already overcommitted as it was. Why do I do things like that? Why can't I just be assertive and say, that doesn't work for me, what about this time that does work?

I woke up this morning with a clear head and decided to just email him and let him know that Friday really didn't work for me. I don't even think I want to meet him; I guess I figure if I meet enough of these boys someone has to work out but that's not really a good reason to go out with someone whom I didn't even enjoy talking to on the phone.

I'm just going to keep reminding myself that I'm not here to settle; I'm not going to just go out with the guys who want to see me. I have to want to see them to.

Bring on Number 3 . . .

Ahh . . . so that is why you are still single!

Before I tried online dating, I used to look at guys in bars, hear their pick up lines, see how they dressed, etc. and be able to pinpoint exactly why they were still single. I wondered if that unique talent would also carry over to the arena of online dating.

Readers, I'm here to tell you . . . the ability to spot the reason for singleness knows no boundaries from real to virtual life.

Recently I've been communicating with this guy, I'll call him "Joe." Joe is a 25-year-old computer engineer who works for a huge healthcare systems management company here in town. He seemed nerdy but cute and his profile mentioned an interest in sports and traveling. The first email went well. It was short, witty, slightly random and he asked me questions so I had something to respond to when I wrote him back. It was a pretty perfect first contact email.

And then I had the audacity to ask him to share something funny/random about himself. He launched into a laundry lists of things that include the following:

• I would rather eat chocolate chip cookies than any other food except for Kraft Macaroni & Cheese
• I think Heinz Ketchup should be it's own food group.
• I'm pro Play-Doh. I even have a free-floating chunk of bone in my chin (that you can grab onto and wiggle around) to prove it.
• I would rather be at a park swinging than doing anything else. Except for going to the movies. I need to find a place that combines those two things.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, should give you a large reason why this young man is still single. Needless to say, I did not dignify that email with a reply. On the other hand, it makes for great blogging material.

And men like him give me an interesting idea . . . wouldn't it be great if there was a place for girls to suggest that he see a consultant to become more marketable to women? And if enough girls checked that box on his profile (without him seeing it, of course) then the a personal relationship/image consultant could contact him and help him with his downfalls. She could even play herself off as an interested party and work on "cleaning" him up while they are "dating." There are just so many men out there who need so much help!

The Vacation Flirtation

Why is that whenever I travel somewhere, I always manage to find a cute boy (I have a long storied history of this)? I think that there must be some sort of cosmic reason out there that I just can't manage to meet one who lives in a reasonable radius whom I actually want to date.

Or maybe it's just that I know that I can't date the guy from far away so all inhibitions are lost and I'm free to be completely myself (and for some strange reason, guys kind of dig that).


Anyway, last weekend I was in Texas visiting a friend who just happened to be throwing a party while I was there and I met this really cute guy. My friend had told me ahead of time that I would probably hit it off with him but that he was earmarked for her other friend (whom actually lives in the same city). But when said friend did not show up, I got to stake my claim for the night! He was cute, smart (went to a near Ivy League school with EXCELLENT basketball), funny, creative and spent hours talking to me and giving me pointers about Fantasy Football (for my very first team ever with a work league).

I even got brave and sent him an email when I got home thanking him for his advice and telling him how much fun I had hanging out with him at the party. I included a brilliant flirtatious tagline so he'd remember who I was . . . Julie (the drunk girl from Kansas City at Katie’s birthday party who hopefully didn’t bring up too many terribly embarrassing subject matters) . . . and when he replied, he said that of course he remembered me and added on some more adjectives to my description that led me to believe that if I actually lived close, he would have asked me out.

His email didn't necessarily invite a response but it didn't not invite one either so the door is still open for a little email flirtation.

Maybe he'll just be one of those "in my head" relationships . . . you know, the kind where you maybe email once in awhile, but in your head you envision it to be this amazing relationship where if it actually ended up happening it would completely crash and burn due to the fact that anything in reality could never live up to my "perfect" expectations.

Coming back for more . . .

So I knew he would call/text/email . . . I'm just that irresistable (ha ha . . . just kidding!).

But the day after the big date, I recieved an email telling me how great I am and how much fun it was and how we should do it again soon . . .

And I'll pause to admit that I did the classic female, "sure, let's hang out again" ending to the date. I don't know what it is but I have a really hard time telling a guy that I'm absolutely not interested in person. Maybe I need to practice. Suggestions? It's so much easier to leave on good terms and then email later. I have the one date email rule. If you've only been on one date, you can definitely end things over email. Completely acceptable!

Anyway . . . then he sent me a text picture of himself (which seriously made me want to puke thinking about how the rest of him looked on that date . . . I had to erase it from my phone immediately for fear of it contaminating the rest of my phone) so I decided I had to be honest and let the guy down.

His response to my let down was "yeah, I didn't feel any chemistry either, just thought I'd give a second date a shot." REALLY? To me, this kind of screams "trying to save face." Maybe I'm wrong . . . does anyone really think that he would have emailed, texted, etc. if he didn't think he had a shot? Maybe I really don't understand guys!

I thought things were done; I'd washed my hands of guy number 1 . . . on to the next one in line but no . . . I just got a text from him wanting to hang out . . . "as friends or something :)."

Did he not get the memo . . . "Good luck on your future dating endeavors" as a closing line really means, I have no interest in hanging out/dating/being your friend, etc. If I'd wanted any of those, I would have said so. Guys . . . lesson to you all . . . this girl says what she means in an email (in person I might not, but you WILL get the truth in writing!).

Lucky Number 1

I've always been a crazy mass emailer (ask all of my friends . . . sometimes multiple emails in one day!); I guess I just like sharing my experiences and stories with people and I can't keep things bottled up inside!

Recently I joined an online dating site after a frustrating summer of trying to meet people through various activities (community sports, etc.). One of the very first guys I talked to was so much fun! His pictures were great, he was funny and witty and I really thought that I would be that lucky girl to fall for and be completely compatible with the first guy I met on this site. He seemed like just the kind of guy I go for . . . super cute, a little arrogant/borderline cocky, intelligent, confident and extremely outgoing yet laid back.

Unfortunately, his job took him out of town for awhile so we were unable to meet in person as soon as I would have liked. We exchanged multiple emails, talked on the phone and texted back and forth. I felt extremely comfortable with him and we talked about pretty intimate topics . . . and then the time came to finally meet him in person . . . I was so nervous!

And then I pulled up next to him in the car and for a split second actually contemplated pulling a "girlfriend" emergency and driving off as fast as possible. But then I thought to myself, don't be that girl, get out, meet the guy and maybe he really is all of the above.

Now I don't know about most girls, but I have long denied that my gut feelings really do tell me the truth and lately, I've decided (as of this experience) that I need to start trusting them more. My gut was telling me to run and yet I didn't . . .

He was about 50 pounds heaver than his pictures, walked like a duck, did some crazy flappy hand thing that was irritating, kept pulling at his shirt as if trying to make it bigger (or maybe pull it away from his body so I couldn't tell that he really did need a man-bra), and was just generally not at ALL what I was expecting . . . here is the email that I sent out to my friends after I got back from the date:

To: Girlfriends
Subject: The Recap

One phrase . . . “ughhhhhh . . . what a disappointment!”

My advice . . . . don’t ever go by pictures a professional photographer has taken in terms of how someone looks! It was AWFUL! And part of it was that I had built this guy up a little and imagined him to be great and we did have fun talking on the phone but I can really talk to anyone on the phone or anyone at all really.

SO we went bowling and then had dinner. He’s a nice guy; he really likes me. He kept talking about things we were going to do in the future and I kept being like, oh really, yeah, sounds like fun . . . NOT!

And this might sound INCREDIBLY superficial so feel free to skip but he was way bigger in person than his pictures showed (now I know why he was always making that sucked in cheek face in his pictures), and he walked funny (kind of like a duck) . . . generally just kind of awkward. He had some weird hand movements too. I don’t know. I know that’s picky but it just all contributed to the “I never want to see him naked” feeling. And I do plan on having kids some day with the guy I end up with so that might be a necessity. I knew the instant I saw him that I wasn’t attracted to him. And we just are in such separate leagues (looks, intelligence, etc.).

Oh well .. . live and learn. On to the next guy . . . I have a few in the queue who might sound a little more exciting now that I am SO over this one!

Anyway . . . he’s definitely not getting a second date. I just couldn’t bear it again.

More on this to follow . . . stay tuned . . .