Such a contradiction!

On Friday night I ended up going out with the guys from work on a ridiculously crazy adventure that involved multiple types of alcohol, at least 5 different stops (one including the parking lot at the Royal's stadium), and lots of bonding with my co-workers. The guys were tons of fun to hang out with and I really enjoyed getting to know them outside of the office (and I think they enjoyed getting to see the slightly crazier side of me as well). I even got a random performance review from my boss in the parking lot of the stadium while drinking Miller Lite (thank goodness it was favorable!).

And here's what I realized . . . I want to date that guy that can talk to anyone, that guy who's charming and personable and can carry on a conversation with someone that he just met and act as if he's known them forever yet still make me feel like I'm the most important girl in the room. I want to date someone that can go out and party until 4:00 am and then turn around the next day and take me out to dinner and movie. And I want him to still want to go to church with me on Sunday then hit Home Depot for some afternoon home improvement projects. And I want him to be pretty (like former frat boy pretty). I know that is probably insanely unrealistic and I probably should have grown out of that by now but for some crazy reason, I haven't. Do they have therapy for that?

Anyway, I talked to Chris (another online dating guy) on the phone today. He seems nice . . . he works at Sprint. We talked about how much we hated dating, etc. He seems pretty picky. He's also super religious and very involved in his church. I think he has pretty low expectations about meeting people online too so maybe that will be perfect for me! Ha ha! I also don't know what to expect from someone who lists themself as never drinking. How is he going to be able to party until 4:00 am without any alcohol? :)

UGH . . . and the teacher JUST texted me "How are you feeling?" I begged off going out with him last week because I was sick, didn't reschedule. He emailed me later in the week to see if it would be okay to call and I sent a very vague email back (he didn't call). And now he just texted me. Do I really have to spell it out for him? I'M NOT INTERESTED!

A hodge-podge of thoughts . . .

A really good friend recently reminded me that this experience shouldn't be about taking a clipboard with me and trying to pre-determine whether or not the next guy I meet is "the one." Usually it's only when someone is not intensely looking that someone pops up out of the woodwork, takes you completely by surprise and you end up falling for them in a way you couldn't before imagine. I just need to have a little fun with things, not take them so seriously and enjoy going out and meeting new people (and having NO expectations!)

So I'm trying to keep that perspective as I go forward. I also wanted to apologize for this blog taking a slightly depressing/snappish/bitter tone in the last few entries. I just get frustrated when people tell me that I'm picky or that I should give people more chances. I kind of equate dating to finding a job and I spent 4 years of my life being miserable in a job that I kept doing because I was a) scared to find something else, b) I knew I was good at and c) people kept encouraging me to stay in BECAUSE I was good at it! I can't do that with dating. I honestly believe that when I meet someone with whom I feel comfortable and want to know better, I'll have that safe feeling in my stomach and won't find crazy things about them annoying.

So a few more anecdotes about the teacher . . . when we went to dinner the other night (and did I mention that he's super skinny . . . to the point where I think that he might actually be anorexic . . . he's also an INCREDIBLY slow eater, which I'm the complete opposite of so I found rather annoying) he scrutinized the menu and then did a When Harry Met Sally and found one item and ordered it completely different from what it was like on the menu. He also seriously wanted me to praise him for trying his green beans (uh . . . really? I'm not your mom!). He actually questioned the soup I ordered because he thought the ingredients in it sounded scary (yes . . . tortilla soup has some frightening things in it . . . ). In particular he was afraid of the type of chiles in it. Yeah . . . and if that wasn't enough he then proceeded to embark on a discussion about his attire (purchased from Banana Republic) and shoes (nice Italian leather). I can't date someone who is more of a girl than I am. I think that the final straw for me must have been when he was talking about the new thermostat he needed to install in his house and how his friend was going to do it for him because he didn't want to figure out how himself. SERIOUSLY? I guess that's what you can expect from someone whose mother did his laundry until he was 25 and still does it occasionally.

My girl gay vibe is seriously pointing to yes on this one . . . I think he just doesn't know it yet. I just can't imagine feeling safe or secure with him. I think I would constantly have to be taking care of him and that is not something I would want to do!

It's funny that those words just came out because when I'm with someone I truly like, I don't mind doing things for them. I once spent an entire day cleaning a boyfriend's new apartment and doing about 10 loads of laundry for him. So I can let down my guard and I can open up to someone but it has to be someone that I feel comfortable with and maybe for me, that's a very select group of people.

Anyway, I've got a few more eligible bachelors in the queue so we'll see if their responses spark some interest . . .

Clearly you don't know me . . .

Someone recently left this comment on my blog anonymously in response to my last posting:

"i don't think him being a picky eater should deter you from a relationship. you have to open your mind a little."

First of all, this person clearly does not know me in the slightest and if they did they would realize that telling me to "open my mind" makes me want to punch them.

I believe in gut feelings; I believe in the "do I want to see you naked" test. And I also know from vast previous experience that if I'm unsure about someone and keep giving them chances, trying to convince myself that I like them, it's not going to work. I have to feel comfortable with them pretty much from the beginning. I have to have that flutter in my stomach and biochemical reaction from someone whom I want to procreate with. It's basic BIOLOGY (though I guess if you don't believe in evolution at all this explanation probably wouldn't satisfy you).

And if I start finding multiple things about them annoying, wierd or uncomfortable (or if I shirk away when they touch me), then I need to let it go and move on.

I think that many people are in relationships merely because they don't want to be alone and while that's fine and good if that's all you want, that is NOT all I want. I want the WHOLE package and I will find it. But I'm not going to settle or "open my mind."

Just had to get that off of my chest.

Johnny and June

There is this brand new song about Jonny Cash and June Carter Cash and it perfectly describes what I'm looking for in a relationship. If you haven't heard it yet . . . here is the chorus:

I wanna love like Johnny and June

Rings of fire burnin' with you

I wanna walk the line, Walk the line

'Till the end of time I wanna love,

Love ya that much Cash it all in,

Give it all up,

And when you're gone I wanna go, too

Like Johnny and June

This song might have a little more meaning if you knew the story behind it (I highly suggest renting the movie Walk the Line - it's excellent) but you get the picture.

I want to feel that amazing, intense passion which has a deep friendship and intellectual compatibility underlying. And I don't think that I should have to find someone that I think "will do" or "is good enough." Maybe that means I'm picky; maybe that means I'll never find someone. But I want to feel my stomach flip, I want those butterflies, I want to fall in love. Maybe this is completely unrealistic but I'm going to keep trying to find it. I've never been good at "good enough" or doing things halfway or settling for something that I know that I really don't want. I just wish I had a little more control over the situation and would know when/if it's going to happen. I think I just need to trust my heart a little more to know when someone is right for me.

The teacher invited me over to his house this week to teach him how to make dinner. I think I'm going to go but I've about decided that he's not the guy for me either. He's an incredibly picky eater and that is a huge turn off for me. The anxiety just emenates off of him as well (and maybe because I can be incredibly anxious as well is the reason I can sense it). I don't know. I don't feel those butterflies; I don't feel like I'm myself around him. On paper, he sounds like a great guy (and we all know what Samantha from SATC says about good on paper . . . ).

A Dating Hiatus

I went out with the teacher on Monday night. The date was fine; we went to dinner and a movie and it was a good date but I just felt so freakin' confused from everything with the train guy and trying to figure out if this teacher is right for me that I was a mess.

So I'm going to take a little hiatus here . .. no blogging, dating, talking about dating, etc. for a week or so . .. hopefully that will help clear my head and I'll be able to enjoy this again.

This is the part that I hate . . .

I talked to both guys last night . . . train guy for over an hour . . .

I know in my heart that he is not the one for me. I found myself bored by his conversation; we just don't connect on that emotional/intellectual level that I crave. Just because he likes me and I'm physically attracted to him does not make him boyfriend material. And as much as I would like to find someone RIGHT NOW . . . I'm not going to be that girl who just dates him because he's okay for right now. I used to be that girl but not anymore. I don't want to lead him on or play games, etc.

He's an incredibly sweet guy, very nice, and I'm sure he'll make some girl really happy some day but just not me. I found myself making justifications for him and rationalizing why I didn't really need someone who would be able to discuss my job and math and politics, etc. And I do want that and those things are very important to me and I shouldn't settle just because some guy is cute and I want to make out with him.

Anyway, he asked if he could take me out again and stupid me said yes . . . and when I gave him a choice of three days he replied "I'll take all three." At this point, I was annoyed and told him that he got one day upon which he tried to bargain for two days . . . Maybe some girls like this but I need a little bit of space in a relationship. I don't want to spend all of my free time with this person. And I guess I need to find someone who is similar in their independence.

And really, when I think back on it, I didn't enjoy our first phone conversation and ended up canceling on going out with him. I really started to like him when we met in person and I saw how cute he was and how much physical chemistry there was . . .

So now I have to tell him this and it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I want to be nice but firm and I want to get my point across. I feel like he really likes me (he texted today just to check on my day and to see if I was free tomorrow) and I hate disappointing/hurting people. I know that I should call him and tell him all this but that makes me cringe as well. I need to repond to his text and I have no idea what to say/do. Suggestions? The chicken way out is to write an email . . . but that would probably make me feel sick as well. Ugh. I really hate this.

And I'm going out with teacher guy tonight and feel in a totally crappy mood because of this other situation. This is why I don't date. I truly hate it.

GUEST COLUMN: It's Me or the Music (Continued)

Oops, he did it again! No e-mail on Friday to confirm our plans for the evening. So, yes, you guessed right! He called around 5 to determine plans! I was very unmotivated, I thought, is he all there?? If not, I want nothing to do with him! He just seems not so serious and very laid back by all this! So as we were discussing dinner plans, he asked me to dinner on the Plaza. Wow! What is going on through this guy's head? Typically, I would think you have to be pretty “in depth” with a girl to spring for that one. None the less, since a place kind of like the Plaza called Zona Rosa was closer to my house, I suggested that plan.

The date in itself is a whole other story. Let me tell you it was…interesting… For this story the date ending is the best part. As we were walking to my car, he was jabbering about something...I cut him off and said, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR DINNER, THIS WAS SO MUCH FUN! In a flaky kind of way…he said, ok! Be Safe! I said Ok, bye bye! Notice I didn’t accidently say “talk to you later”. The End! Finally! But wait! He contacted me after this date!!! Ahhhh!!!! As I decided to not contact him further, I am happy to announce my celebration after 3 days of no communication with him, high probability of permanency! THE END! He will now be used as the participant in efforts of advocating for the “dating help button” service!