Possibly the last . . .

Chances are this is my last blog entry. Just thought I'd give you all fair warning . . .

It's really funny how situations turn out. I went into this whole online dating thing dead set on finding someone to spend my life with and maybe even compromising a little of what I was looking for in order to find someone with a good set of morals, a steady job and a love of sports.

And yet what I found is that I still crave the excitement of dating and flirting and having a crush. I was so incredibly miserable when I was teaching that I didn't want to do anything fun. Ever.

And now with this new job and the freedom to do what I want and have my own life again, I just don't seem to care about all those things that I thought I wanted before. Sure, I still want someone with good morals, a steady job and a love of sports but I also just want to have fun!

So thank you online dating for reminding me that I LOVE having fun and as an almost 30 single girl . . . I have little to no responsibilities and that I don't have to be old and boring . . . ever . . .

oh the trials . . .

Why is it that when you want something and try really hard to find it, it just isn't there and then when you stop wanting it something usually pops up that isn't what you were expecting and certainly doesn't fit your mold of what you were looking for?

That always seems to happen to me with regards to dating. I've been very turned off by the online dating recently; probably due to the fact that I seem to work with all these really great (taken/off limits) guys and I just wish that I could find someone like one of them but that is not someone with whom I work.

We got information about our Christmas party today and I'm already dreading it. I so don't want to go by myself and yet I sincerely doubt that I'll actually be dating anyone around that time either (that gives me about 7 weeks to meet, start dating, and like someone enough to invite them to the event). And there are a few single guys there and maybe we could all just go together but I don't know if I can bring that up for a whole host of reasons. Maybe when it gets a little closer people will start talking about it and I can jump in on a conversation . . . sometimes working with all men can be a little (or a lot) frustrating!

In other news . . . there is a new online guy who just emailed me and I find mildly interesting. He's from a small town in KS and just moved back here after heading out to Las Vegas for about a year. He's a former elementary teacher turned power company employee . . . whatever . . . I could use the distraction of someone available at the moment so if he suggests going out I'll probably take him up on it!

I think online dating has one fatal flaw for me . . . I miss the game. I miss the chase. I miss the flirting and the banter and the anticipation of when I'm going to see him again and how I'm going to make him ask me out. Does that make me wierd? Maybe it means I'm not ready for a real relationship . . . I don't know. I do know that I know what it feels like to be head over heels completely attracted to someone and that is definitely what I look for/need in order to want to date someone.

The Camo Pants Story

This is kind of a "blast from the past" story but one that is so classic that if you knew me back in college, you would probably be able to recite this story word for word (and you'd know why I always ask any new guy how many pairs of camo pants he owned).

So my senior year at Mizzou I did some secretarial work in the Math education office two days a week (being an education major is just so taxing that I only had classes on MWF). One day I got this disk jammed in the computer (yep . . . back in the day before jump drives) and I had to call tech services to get it out. The guy who came to fix my computer was super cute in a kind of alternative manner. He had curly brown hair and beautiful brown eyes. I soon started "breaking" things just so I could call and have him come fix them (I'm such a girl . . . I know).

After awhile my friend Kevin got tired of hearing me babble on about him and decided to take it upon himself to make me ask him out. Kevin also worked in the Math ed building so he went down to Jim's office, came and got me, stuck us in an empty room together and said, "Julie, didn't you want to say something to Jim?" It was HORRIBLE! But I managed to stumble out with the words . . . "do you want to see a movie or something sometime?" And he agreed but then we parted ways without me getting a number or an email address.

So I get home from work, realize I have no way of contacting him and am freaking out. I try emailing what I think must be his Mizzou email account and end up reaching some professor! Finally the phone rings and he had gotten my number from a girl that we both knew . . . so clearly he's also interested, which is a good sign. We end up seeing a movie . . . he dresses SO cute in khakis and a blue button down and we have a really good time (which I think might have been a first for me at this point in my life - I hadn't been on really any good real first dates yet).

That was definitely the pinnacle of our relationship. From there, he proceeds to wear camoflaugue pants EVERY SINGLE TIME we go out (at least 5 more times) . . . he invites me over to "make me dinner" and when I get there asks me what kind of pizza I like (and then he orders it from Dominos) . . . seriously? He tells me all about his crazy roommate and how she thought she was pregnant (he goes into graphic detail here) and I can just tell that this is not going to work out.

I pull the classic Me of not returning calls, being distant, etc. and finally he corners me in the Math ed building one day. He's asking what I'm doing for Halloween and I tell him that some friends and I are going to a party at one of the bars in town (he's still underage) and he tells me that he's going to a drag show but he doesn't want to go alone. I suggest that he takes a date. Ha ha! And then he tells me "I'd like to dress in drag sometime, and not just for Halloween!" I'm not sure exactly how I responded to that but it must have been along the lines of "oh, that's nice."

A week or so later he calls me to have "the talk." I tell him I'm not interested. He gets mad. We never speak again.

And it has literally taken me years to get over my fear of camo pants (and I'm still not sure that I'm over it . . . )

What do I really want?

When I started this online dating, I really thought that I wanted to find a husband. I thought that I wanted to meet that guy that I've described in vast detail in all of my previous blogs and then life would be perfect.

However I've learned a lot in these past few months and I've also managed to get in touch with some parts of myself that I've forgotten. I love my friends that are settled and married and stable, I love my single girlfriends who I can do happy hours with and just hang out with, I also love those friends with whom I can go out with and be crazy and just stay out until all hours and flirt with random guys. Those are all parts of who I am and what I enjoy doing and just because I'm 28 doesn't mean I have to grow out of or into any specific stage of life.

Sometimes I feel very chameleon-like and try to adapt to the groups of people I'm with and sometimes I feel like I get sucked into a particular identity and then I end up spending all my time within that identity. I don't have to do that. I can do whatever I want and I need to balance out all of those things in my life.

So my NEW plan is just to have more fun. Get out more, hang out with all my friends more, go out more, flirt with a few more random boys (but maybe not the ones at work anymore because clearly that leads to awkwardness as has already been proven), work out, take a class or two, just have fun. I just want to enjoy my life and not be stressed about this dating thing. We'll see where this takes me.

I'm not going to respond to somebody on the site unless they really intrigue me (and I recently started communicating with a youth minister who seems surprisingly cool - and not crazy religious enough to not enjoy a good night out). So who knows . . . maybe he'll turn out to be cool, maybe not . . . either way . . . I felt that twinge of attraction when I saw his picture and so that's what I'm going to wait for now. I had to be reminded what a good old fashioned crush felt like (albeit on someone completely unavailable) but I can't do any more of this forcing myself to like someone. :)

Oh the awkwardness . . .

In other news a guy that I know from a social setting recently starting emailing me because of some photos he noticed I posted on my facebook page. His opening line was "I don't know of any girls who like football enough to make it a point to go to a game." After some analyzation with a friend, we decided that clearly, he just doesn't know many girls period because quite a few girls enjoy football games, especially when their alma mater is the team in question. He then proceeds to tell me that if he had tickets, he'd invite me to see his team play (because it's supposed to be such an "experience" to watch this team). Hmm . . . I send a very brief, non-interesting email back and he takes that as a sign to continue with the messaging. Clearly I am VERY good at making guys I'm not interested in interested in me (shockingly, I've always been extremely good at this). And maybe that's part of the problem . . . be a little unavailable . . . seriously . . . it's no fun if I don't have to work at least a little bit for it. Anyway, not quite sure yet how to handle this situation because of the context in which I know this guy but hopefully he's too shy in person to actually ask me out or anything crazy like that. If I had a dime for everytime I had to deal with this situation . . .

I'm seriously harboring doubts about this online dating thing. I'm really starting to wonder if maybe I just need to focus all of that energy in some other place, perhaps working out, maybe actually going out more (anyone?), although that would require friends in town to do that with, joining some sort of clubs or activities in town . . . I just really am beginning to think that all these guys online are freaks (well intentioned freaks but freaks nonetheless).

A good friend pointed out to me that it is completely okay to go with my gut and just want what I want and not have to analyze or explain it. And that's what I want to do right now. I want it all. I want my Mr. Personality, life of the party, independent, intelligent, sports enthusiast (preferably Mizzou but that's negotiable), drop dead gorgeous (at least to me), slightly arrogant, yet still slightly romantic, committed and totally in love with me. I want my stomach to flip when I see him (at least at the beginning). I'm tired of putting so much time and energy into this stupid online dating when it just makes me irritated, tense and takes up a lot of my time!

GUEST COLUMN: The Spaniard

So another friend of mine is also dabbling in the online dating arena and had been emailing this Spaniard who was very hot (I saw pictures) . . . until she got the following email from him:

Miss Sue,

Thank you so much for getting back in touch with me as it actually made my day! you sound like all i want, you are my perfect match. I am really going to put a lot of effort into writing this letter to you in hopes it will provide you with a good understanding of who I am, what I am all about, and what has made me the person I am today. The reason I am going to write a letter rather than just send a message is because I am serious about wanting to establish a quality friendship with you, and because of the fact I rarely contact anyone on here, so when I do you can be rest assured I am serious about my intentions.Am looking for a woman that will be able to listen to me , communicate her feelings to me , make me laugh, hold and comfort me in need,stand by my side, respect me, passionate lover in every way, support me in everyway, love me and only me, make me smile, protect me when needed, romantic time to time, constantly reative, and treat me right.... I know you will think what is a guy like me doing on here .. Yes the reason I came on to the internet to find the special person who deserves all the love and passion that makes up my heart and soul is because I do not have the time to meet others out in a public setting, and the fact I feel you can learn so much about someone through letters, as a person has to take there time and think about the words they want to express, so it allows you to gain a better understanding of someone than you would probably otherwise .characteristics of whom i seek...........The most important characteristics to me are compatibility and friendship. I'd like to find someone who's open,honest and easy going.A sense of humour is a big plus. Ideally we'd have some shared interests and goals, as well as some similarities in opinion about what's important in life. If you love to laugh, travel and appreciate the warmth of a furry coat and a wet nose, let's talk things that i would love to do with my woman...........Get caught with my woman in the rain. Dance with her in the rain. Stargaze on a clear night...Watch the sunset together. Spend all day with her doing nothing. Moonlight walks on the beach. Be more proud of her than i already am at this very moment. Go on a carriage ride through the park. Do a crossword together. Go to brunch. Have a disagreement (it could/will only make us stronger). Go for a twilight horseback ride. Watch bad/good movie together. Spend the rest of my life with you. Have our picture taken together. Eat ice cream with her. Make love to you passionately. Go to a museum together. Talk to each other using only body language. Give you space when you need it, but not space to hurt each other. Accept you totally and completely for the rest of my life.
Dear The very reason I am interested in establishing a friendship with you is because I feel I have alot to offer you in the way of a friendship and I know I have alot to share with you that will be of interest to you and even some things that will surprise you. I am very much a man of substance and I am very unique in todays society because I live my life through my spirituality and through the word of God and because I have such a strong understanding of what I feel my role in life is suppose to be. I am a man of integrity and my word is my honor!. I have very high standards for myself and my life is all about providing love, peace and happiness to others. For you to get a better understanding of me picture a waterfall in your mind and instead of all the water overflowing it is all the love and passion I have in my heart to give to others who are deserving, as the love and passion has an endless flow coming out of my heart, dear i want you to pls send me some of your recent pics.

Where others write many people and keep there messages short because they are all about how many they can write, I am the opposite and very selective in whom I choose to write and I like to give them my very best even if it is in a long letter such as this. I know the type of person who I want to build a friendship with so I am willing to put the time and effort in my messages to show that to you.

I look forward to read from you soon!

GUEST COLUMN: Seriously? Did he just say that?

A friend of mine is also embarking on this online dating journey with me and I had to publish this email she sent me this morning. The guy she is talking about is someone she had been emailing for a few weeks and had really liked. She sent me this email after their first phone conversation:

To: ---------
From: -----------
Subject: The Phone Call

Where do I even begin? He talked about the issues with his dad and said he is depressed and in and out of mental health institutions. Typically people who are just depressed are not in and out of institutions, there is much more too it... I asked if he had a dual diagnosis. He said he just doesn't even want to get into it further because it's just too hard emotionally(running away from the problem?), etc and says he doesn't know...that's weird. I even asked if he had an addiction problem of some sort...he did not know. Not to mention this has been going on for the last 20 years. He should know...or is this asking too much???????

Then he asked me what colors I was painting my house...and then said that he will just have to come see in order to really know what it looks like...that's weird. I asked him about where he lived when growing up, like in the country, suburbs, etc of lawrence. He never gave me a straight answer and kept saying you'll just have to come and see. He said you would be amazed when you see it??? I'm thinking, what's the deal, why won't you just tell me! Geez!

I had asked him a question earlier about what the most important thing in a relationship is whether it be family, friends or romantic. He said oh yeah the question I didn't answer in order to get you to talk on the phone . . . So he answered that and said commitment and communication. Went into long somewhat brain washing explanation. Then I said, well those seem kind of like "umbrella" type important things. Then followed that up with, but those are good things, they really are. I said what about something more specific, he goes you mean are you looking for something funny. I said, sure!! He goes lots of sex. Seriously? He did not just say that during our first phone conversation. Then he said ohhhh maybe I shouldn't have said that, just thought I would throw you a curve ball. Ugh!

So then I said, well, I think I am going to go paint some more. He said ok, so can I call again. I seriously changed the subject and started talking about other random things. Then tried to let him go again, he goes "question?". I said oh yeah, he goes , you can be honest. I couldn't break myself to say no I don't want to talk to you, that would be weird. So I said sure, it was nice talking to you etc. Clearly I don't intend on picking up the phone if he calls again.

And that my friends, is why online dating is rapdily losing its appeal for me as well . . . maybe I don't even want to be in a relationship if all the guys out there are like that. I mean, seriously . . . I want to enjoy my life and I want someone great to enjoy it with me. I guess I just figured if I met someone great, I would truly want to have children with them. Who knows. Maybe I just need to do a little soul searching and figure out what it is that I truly want (oh so much easier said than done . . .). But what I wrote in my last post is totally true . . . I want the best of both worlds of being in a relationship and being independent. Is that even possible?